Food, Sex, Silliness, and a Distinct Lack of Porn
by vieralynn
Summary: The cast stops to have lunch and instead has a very frank conversation. Comedy? Meta-as-a-story? Just follow the cheese. Fran, Penelo, Vaan, Basch, Balthier, Ashe. Written in response to a conversation on LJ.


_Written in response to a conversation with logistika nyx._

_Food, sex, power, and the lack there of: surprisingly frank conversation over lunch and the many failures of subtly. No guarantee that any narrator is reliable; only the food. This story is more meta or meta meta, but it IS comedy. Enjoy?! (HINT: Follow the cheese and other props used in the story. ;)  
_

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**Food, Sex, Silliness, and a Distinct Lack of Porn (without Plot**)

Penelo she sat on ground after taking a slice of bread with cheese. "Fran, I hope it doesn't bother you, but do you think Ashe wants to get Balthier into bed?"

"What Balthier does in bed is his own business, not mine."

"Just checking." Penelo nibbled the edge of her bread. "It could get uncomfortable around here if there were… problems."

Fran glanced at Penelo. Slowly blinked. Her ears turned toward the girl.

"Well," Penelo sighed, "you know how some people really see sex as nothing more than a way to exert power over someone else."

"I wouldn't worry. A certain pirate tends to view sex as way to briefly raise his sense of self-worth among fellow Humes." Fran reached for a piece of bread. "Family problems."

Penelo looked up as the rest of the party neared their site. "Actually, he strikes me as someone who enjoys it a lot."

"His philandering is hardly a secret."

"No, I mean really enjoys it. Enjoys the sensual part of it. Just lying back and having things done to him."

"Or done to others."

"Whoa." Vaan jogged the last two steps and reached for a hunk of bread. "What are you two talking about?

"Sex," Penelo shugged.

"I should've been here sooner!" Vaan stuffed a slice of cheese in his mouth. "Does that mean I'll be getting some?"

Fran wrinkled her nose; Penelo rolled her eyes. "Vaan, don't even think about it. Not from either of us, thank you very much."

"Mmm. Lunch." Basch grabbed a knife and began to slice the wedge of cheese into pieces after taking the cutting board to his knee. "Any fresh fruit?"

Vaan reached out to snatch another piece of cheese. "So, why am I the only person who is out of luck?"

Penelo glared at him. "Vaan. We are not talking about having sex. We are talking about people's attitudes toward sex. Big difference."

Basch stole a quick, sidelong glance at Penelo and then craned his neck as he surveyed the small site where they had stopped to rest. Eyes lowered, he slowly shook his head. No one noticed.

Penelo continued, "Fran and I were saying that some people see sex as a substitute for power."

"No kidding, Penelo." Vaan waved his sandwich in the air. "If that weren't true, I'd be getting a lot more action."

Penelo's jaw slackened; Fran stared at him. Basch appeared to have not heard a word.

"Just saying," Vaan said as he stuffed half his sandwich into his mouth.

"I think there are other reasons in your case." Penelo reached for another piece of cheese. "As for me, I only see sex as— Oh!" She gasped. Hand snapped to her mouth.

"Nothing like a little lunchtime discussion about foreplay and fornication, or is this the foreplay?" Balthier sat and plucked a piece of cheese from Basch's right hand rather than from the cutting board balanced on his left knee.

Basch grunted.

"Don't let me stop your discussion." Balthier reached forward for a slice of bread. Ashe approached as she unbuckled the sword that hung from her belt. She sat next to him.

"I wasn't really saying anything…" Penelo shrugged. Her voice faded.

"Penelo claims that she doesn't see sex as a substitute for power," Vaan said.

"That's not what I said."

"That's what you implied."

Penelo's chin jutted forward as she scowled at Vaan; without looking, her fingers felt their way across the cutting board in search of another piece of cheese.

Basch quietly cleared his throat. "Some quiet sex at night helps me fall asleep."

A yellowed leaf fluttered down to the ground from overhead. Everyone stared at Basch except Penelo; her fingers remained frozen in place on the cutting board perched upon his knee.

Basch shrugged. "Sleep has little to do with the dynamics of power." He popped a piece of cheese in his mouth.

Penelo took a deep breath as she snatched a slice and squared her shoulders. "Anyhow, some people actually manage to just, you know, just, without it being about who has power over whom." Her eyes avoiding the others as she uncapped her water flask and took a quick sip. "They do it because it feels good." She slowly took a prolonged gulp.

"Are we certain this is appropriate lunchtime conversation?" Ashe's hand lingered as she took a sandwich from Balthier.

"Seems appropriate to me," Balthier replied. "At least I now know the Captain isn't the one sneaking swigs of my Bhujerban before turning in."

"Who says I'm not?"

Balthier paused for effect as he reached across Basch's legs to take another slice of cheese. "Well, a bedtime drink and a fuck? A condemned man and you're living better out here than you had it the Order's barracks."

"Balthier!" Ashe screeched.

Calm and precise, Penelo intervened. "My point was only that people do these things for many different reasons. It can be completely innocent. No issues of power and control." She carefully wrapped a piece of bread around a hunk of cheese, fully concealing it; never once did her eyes focused beyond her hands.

Balthier cocked his head to one side as he watched the girl toy with her food. "Penelo, I never suggested that you believe your motives are anything but innocent."

Penelo chewed on her lip, cheeks staining crimson. Her fingers dug into the bread's soft flesh.

Basch snorted. "It's not a crime to scratch an itch before rising for breakfast."

"Basch!" Ashe rose to her knees, index finger pointing across their small circle like the sharpened tip of a sword. "You, of all people, should feel shame for what you just— just said! How could you— dare you? In front of me!"

The wind rustled the trees.

"Your Highness." Basch lowered his eyes.

Ashe's hand opened, tense, hard, and ready, but instead she merely huffed as she let herself fall back onto her heels.

It was Fran's soft lilt that broke a long silence. "Balthier, must you torment those who least deserve it?"

"Oh, Fran, come now. Need I recall a certain afternoon in a bar in Balfonheim six years prior to a month from next Tuesday?"

"That you remember the exact day speaks louder than any version of the story you might choose to tell."

Penelo softly giggled. Even Ashe's face softened as her ankle wobbled, hips tilted, and her buttocks slipped from her heels to the ground, fabric brushing Balthier's thigh.

"So…" The ungainly word hung from Vaan's lips until most eyes were upon him. "When do I get my month from next Tuesday?"

The trees quieted. Silence. Fran's voice was barely more than a whisper. "That is not how the question is asked."


End file.
